truth

time again for an update... sorry that i have been so silent lately... you know the feeling... you learn so much, but putting it into words and sharing with others is just impossible.

lately i have been asked why i am not openly saying that i am a Christian on my blog(oops...i guess i just did :) ) i guess the reason for this was i wanted to see if i can share more freely if people did not put me in the religious box... but actually i was wrong. its more difficult explaining things if i can't be really honest about my faith! the truth of it all is that everything i do and believe in is in Jesus. the fact that He died for my sins, and that through Him i have a hope and a future.

while typing this i am wondering if people will read this and think i am one of those super spiritual loonies... who has nothing better to do then believe in some higher power, cause they can't face life without it... but that’s just it! i have been trying to convince myself that there is no absolute truth... that everything is relative... and i should just fight for my own. but the more i tried to convince myself of this... the more hopeless i became. without Jesus, there is no reason for living... and the fact of the matter is that God is real... He has a plan for my life, and the only absolute truth in our existence is GOD... everything else is relative...

you might wonder what is "my search of truth" then... good question... i guess i am searching for the truth about myself... finding out who i am in Christ... and what it actually means when you say you believe in God... its not just about being good and going to church on sundays... its much more personal than that...

welcome to my journey!

time for a snap shot

this is one of my favorite images... i don't know why, but it always makes me smile :)

AGHHH!!!

i just want to say something... i am tired of living a stressful life!!! I don't get paid enough to get so many grey hairs... i would love to just pack my bags and go home!!! AGHHH!!!!

well... that didn't make me feel better...how strange... i was hoping by admitting what is going on in my heart... i will have a sense of relieve... please someone... buy me a plain ticket out of this place!!! i think i am finally loosing it...

my thoughts at midnight

i am in the mood to write tonight... but not really sure what topic is should ponder on... how about friendship... or should i say...relationship... isn't it weird that PEOPLE are the ones that can hurt us most.. bodily injuries can be healed and treated... but when someone close to you hurts you... you sometime never get over it... yet, despite this, we still willingly share our lives with people, because we can not go through life alone! its way to lonely... i have tried to keep my thoughts and life to myself... but that lonely road was far worse then being hurt, because there was nothing... another reason i tried to live alone was because i just can't handle saying goodbye any more... yet... if it doesn't hurt... i don't live... it still freaks me out to allow people to close... but it is amazing to be able to share joy... and tears with another person... your dog just does not have the same effect!

so here is me saying... invest in people... you might get burned... but its worth it!

stay in my room

Have you ever woke up in the morning and knew you should not set foot out of your room, because any one you come in touch with are going to be burned by your irritation? well that's how i felt this morning.. i knew the moment i opened my eyes that it would be better for the the rest of society if i don't show my face. but did i listen to my inner voice of wisdom... NO! i got out of bed, and and everybody i met wished i stayed in bed!

i hate it when i feel like this.

fear

lets talk about fear. i am very familiar with fear... its almost like its my daily companion. i can't get away from it... there is fear of the unknown... fear of future... fear of driving in traffic... but the one i know best is fear of failure. and the really bad thing is that fear of failure is in everything. you can't run away from it. so i am trying to understand where this fear comes from... because i don't believe this is who i am suppose to be. a scared individual, afraid of trying new things, because failure is possible!.

it will be easy to blame childhood experiences, teachers at school, the world and society... but in the end i need to take responsibility for my own fear and fight it. because although the world, childhood, school gives you messages, it is up me to decide what i am going to believe, and what i am going to throw in the rubbish bin.

but that is easier set than done... you can read a lot of books... do a lot of studies... talk to as many people as you want to... but this is deeper... this is a mind set that needs to change... i believe i will be a very different person if i can break this... but its not going to be easy...

why am i sharing this here for the world to read... i don't know... i guess because i believe i am not the only person struggling here... what are you afraid of... how do you learn to believe what you KNOW is true, and not what you PERCEIVE is true?

positive thinking

well here is a thought to ponder. why is it always easier to look at the negative rather then at the positive? i would love to learn to look at the glass half full rather then half empty… we would learn so much about a culture or a person if we could learn to look at the positive rather then the negative. how much would i be able to learn about myself if i learn to be more positive rather then always so negative and degrading? isn’t it funny how we can always talk bad about our self… and even when someone mentions something positive, you shrug it off with a side comment? “that’s a pretty dress”…”oh this old thing… i’ve had it for years!” “you did a really good job at communicating the needs of your project the other day”… “WHAT! i am terrible at communicating!” we just never seem to be able to except positive feedback. but when someone says something negative about you, it doesn’t take a second to take it seriously. that is probably why a lot of people have to go in therapy to deal with the effects!
i want to change the way i look at things and at myself… start seeking the good rather then the bad…

good vs evil

this last couple of days i have been thinking a lot about good and bad... light and darkness... why is it that we as humans, when left to our natural instincts, will rather go for the bad, or dark then for the good and light? in my own life i see it time and time again. if you would meet me you would think i am a good person... but that is only the outside... you don't see the inside... that which only me and God can see...i tell you... it frightens me when i look inside and i come face to face with the real me. i can't believe how much darkness and evil are inside. and all of this happens while i try to be a good person. i would hate to see myself when i am not trying to be good… can you imagine!

i read stories in the news papers about a father throwing his children from the 10th floor balcony and jumping to his own death… i read about a wife murdering her husband… i personally know a husband that had formulated a plan to murder his wife and run away with his girlfriend (and he was a good person!)…i know what’s going on in you head… your thinking “how could they!” but i tell you… all of us are able to do this kind of evil… for some reason that is in us… so why is the whole world not mass murderers you ask… i don’t know… maybe we have not all been pushed hard enough… but is the smaller evils we do really small? we talk about other people behind there backs… how many teenagers commit suicide every year because they can’t cope at school, can’t stand the jokes and gossip… we lie, we steel joy from people through our actions and words. in the bible it says that every careless word that comes out of our mouth will be judged!! WOW that is freaking scary… i just try and think how much rubbish i talk about in one week, and one day all of that will be judged!

trying to be good is good and noble… but in the end all of us are evil at heart, and are in BIG trouble. doesn’t matter how good we try to be, somehow this evil in our hearts are going to show its face. maybe it will be through a swearword when things are tough, gossiping about someone at work… driving away after crashing into a parked car, and nobody saw you…maybe that evil will become a monster and you will actually hurt some one… these evil things are like one drop of toxic waste in a glass of water. you won’t want to drink it right… even if its only one drop!

how do we defeat evil… how can we be good… really pure and clean without evil? i tell you it can’t happen by our own actions… instinct can’t be changed… we need to be made new… a new creation… a whole make over. i have found the surgeon that does this, that changes my heart… i am still frightened of judgment day… looking over my life, seeing all the evil i have done… but on that day i have someone fighting for me, someone who has the power to wipe away all of these bad stuff. who has already cleansed me…

knowing that he will be there, urges me to fight evil with good… when i feel instinct kick in, i remember what he has done… i ask him for strength… i ask him to change me and make me a new person… i ask him to live my life for me… so that his instincts can kick in and not my own…

rubbish

"Da Vinci Code" the controversial movie that just hit the big screen… what a load of rubbish… i felt it was mediocre when i read the book, and after seeing the movie, i actually thought the book was better. i am convinced that if it wasn’t for the subject, the book would not have sold, and the movie would never have been made. the book is the type of book you read as a no brainer, you take it with you to the beach to do something while soaking up the sun… the movie… as always the movie is never as good as the book. i found it quite confusing, and i didn’t read the book, i probably won’t have had an idea what was going on. i think tom hanks was a smart man… he saw an opportunity to make a lot of money with a so-so movie.
why people are freaking out about this i don’t understand, there is not an ounce of truth in it… watch it as fiction… but i would actually recommend you to borrow someone else’s dvd if you really want to watch it… really not worth spending the money for the big screen teather!

food

i am in malaysia. what a beautiful country. it has perfect weather all year round (some might say its to hot and humid, but after living in india for 5 weeks i feel its perfect:). the people are warm and friendly, and everything revolves around food.

what is it about food... you here a lot of times that when people leave there home country there biggest struggle is that they don't have moms home cook meal... or they can't stand the country because the food is just to weird... i live in a community where any social event, meeting or chat has to have food. in malaysia the best way to get people to come to a meeting is to supply food... interesting how life revolves around our stomachs! and then you go to countries like sudan, india and djibouti where a lot of people only have (hopefully) one meal a day, some don't even have a meal, and are starving to death.

people say money rules the world... i beg to differ... i think food is ruling our lives!

india

man... i didn't know it is possible to get this hot... india is really hot... did i tell you that this country it hot???? but if you can try and forget about the heat and humidity... this is one of the most exciting countries i have visited! there is so much happening at the same time... my senses are struggling to keep up! just driving for 30 minutes will give my brain enough to think about for a day. there is alos alot of people every where... i don't think you will find a place where there is no people... but there is also the sad part of this country... poverty is every where... people living on the street... i thought i have seen poverty...but nothing prepared me for this!

well... i would love to leave you with some profound thought... but i don't have any today because i am to stinkin' hot... so i will just say... hakuna matata :)

my journey

i have a question (no surprise right!?) is there anybody out there that feels he or she are understood by the rest of the world... or is it just me struggling to communicate my thoughts... maybe i am just one of those easy targets for teasing... or maybe i am really a weird person...an artist perhaps... maybe i am a genius:)… maybe I am just to sensitive for my own good… i have been asked what is the real reason for writing down my thoughts, for the whole world to read, if i don’t really communicate the drive force behind it all… why don’t i just come out and be straight forward about my faith… the “truth”… the fact is i am searching for ways to communicate my heart without sounding cheesy… scary… spiritual…

there are many different ways to tell the world what i believe… i can crash a boeing 747 in the twin towers… i can have my own tv show…i can bring it up in every single conversation i have… i can write about it all the time… but does that really help people to understand me…to understand where i am coming from? or does that scare people off… the question i have is… how can i share my heart with people, without being put in the religious box?

you can tell me i am afraid and need to be more bold…. you can tell me i should stop worrying about what people think or say about me… and that is all true… but is that the only way? hey…i might be wrong… and maybe that is something i need to learn… but i do realize that people don’t always understand where i am coming from, and that causes more harm than good… so until i learn how to communicate with the outside world … i will live out my beliefs rather then talk about it and wait for people to ask me questions.

i don’t believe there is only one way in expressing yourself (that will be too boring…no creativity). i started this journey almost 4 years ago… and i am still searching for the right way… the way that works for me… not necessarily for others!

no words...

it's been a while ... since my last post a lot has happened but it's not things you can put down in words. does that ever happen to you? you know you have learned a great deal... so much has happened in your life, but you just can't find the words to explain.

i have left bahrain... the country where this blog began... kind of weird really... i am sitting here and i wonder if i will even continue with this. it started out of desperation...being in a situation where i could not speak my mind... i needed a place to be me... and i found it in this blog... now i have left that situation... i can be me again... will i still run to this space to speak my mind?

i hope this blog makes people think... sometimes i wonder if i am writing only to myself... actually a lot of time i think i write to look at situations from another point of view... you know how some things can grow into big monsters if you keep it in the dark... i am trying to bring things in the light...

well... here is hoping i will continue to write.... it might be a while though... having access to internet on a ship is not always easy...

love is a choice

what do you do when you are humiliated in front of a crowd of people? what do you do when you know you are in the right, but are forced to apologize... do i retaliate... to i stand up for myself.... shame the person... or do i just let it go like water of a ducks back? last night i had a choice... to be angry and get my own back... or let it go and believe that in the end it won't make me less of a person?
man... it was a tough decision... i realized last night it is easy to be nice when things are easy... but when the going gets tough... its a whole lot harder to walk the talk.
i hope that last nights situation will make me a better person in the long run... i hope that something like that will never happen again... but when it does... i hope i will be able to be the better person and let it go...

when do you give up?

this last 3 days i have been challenged with the question... when should i give up... when should you stop pushing... stop trying and just leave... when is it a sign to stop... or a sign to keep on going? i still don't have an answer. i guess this is a journey i will have to walk and see where it leads me...

do you understand

you know what makes life interesting.... to try and communicate what is going on in your head. i don't know if it is just me... i think in pictures... so i see what i think, but when it comes to explaining that picture i struggle. and i need to remind myself that not everybody can read my mind... so they don't necessarily understand why i am doing and saying the things i do :)makes for interesting conversations!

then you get to telephone conversations!!! and not just any telephone conversations... i am talking conversations with people who has very little or no understanding of english! now you have to understand. i am not discriminating against second language english speakers (i am one) but trying to speak over the phone when you don't have the novelty of hand signals make for interesting dialogue!

can any one explain to me why some people still prefer fax machines to e-mail.... and why do people who has e-mail never check it?

well... i think that is enough complaining for one day...

why?

i am suppose to write to my friends and family back home... why is it that when things are going not so well you hide and dont reach out to people? things are not going bad with me... it is just not going well... i have been working non stop for the last 5 weeks... organizing an event which i hope will impact peoples lives forever... yet in the process i have forgotten why i am doing it... isn't it weird how you can get so bussy with doing STUFF that you forget why you are doing it in the first place... and i think that is when you get tired... burn out... freak out... or loose interest. i am at a stage in life where i really have to re-evaluate why i am doing what i am doing:
-is it because i am a good person and want to do good things (this last month i was wishing to just through in the towel and go home... so i think not)
-is it because i have guilt inside and am trying to redeem myself (possibly...who of us has never done something sinfull before?)
-or is it because i have nothing better to do (oh i hope not! :))

no... i guess i am doing it because i know this is where i am suppose to be at the moment... i am doing it because its not just for my benefit... it is for the benefit of others... but it doesn't make it easy... sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do... it takes faith to believe that what you are doing is rihgt.

how many?

I mentioned that i travel the seven sees... this is to show how many countries i have visited. It was a suprize to see how much i still need to see... the world is BIG

in the beginning

well... for the past month i have been introduced to the blog world... i have enjoyed reading others view of life, and i felt like it is my turn to speak up... what am i hoping from this... don't really know...
i am in bahrain at the moment. woken up every morning by the call to prayer... surrounded by people trying to earn forgivness by doing... i am a spectator... looking in from the outside... i see alot of rituals... i see alot of laws... and i see now assurance...
i have my own truth... for me and people like me its the only truth... the question... how can it become truth to others? this one topic has caused more arguments, battles and broken relationships than any thing else...
i am probably confusing you... thats ok... i understand... but i needed to share it with others... i am on a journey... you can join me, or just observe... after all... this is my journey...