fear

lets talk about fear. i am very familiar with fear... its almost like its my daily companion. i can't get away from it... there is fear of the unknown... fear of future... fear of driving in traffic... but the one i know best is fear of failure. and the really bad thing is that fear of failure is in everything. you can't run away from it. so i am trying to understand where this fear comes from... because i don't believe this is who i am suppose to be. a scared individual, afraid of trying new things, because failure is possible!.

it will be easy to blame childhood experiences, teachers at school, the world and society... but in the end i need to take responsibility for my own fear and fight it. because although the world, childhood, school gives you messages, it is up me to decide what i am going to believe, and what i am going to throw in the rubbish bin.

but that is easier set than done... you can read a lot of books... do a lot of studies... talk to as many people as you want to... but this is deeper... this is a mind set that needs to change... i believe i will be a very different person if i can break this... but its not going to be easy...

why am i sharing this here for the world to read... i don't know... i guess because i believe i am not the only person struggling here... what are you afraid of... how do you learn to believe what you KNOW is true, and not what you PERCEIVE is true?

positive thinking

well here is a thought to ponder. why is it always easier to look at the negative rather then at the positive? i would love to learn to look at the glass half full rather then half empty… we would learn so much about a culture or a person if we could learn to look at the positive rather then the negative. how much would i be able to learn about myself if i learn to be more positive rather then always so negative and degrading? isn’t it funny how we can always talk bad about our self… and even when someone mentions something positive, you shrug it off with a side comment? “that’s a pretty dress”…”oh this old thing… i’ve had it for years!” “you did a really good job at communicating the needs of your project the other day”… “WHAT! i am terrible at communicating!” we just never seem to be able to except positive feedback. but when someone says something negative about you, it doesn’t take a second to take it seriously. that is probably why a lot of people have to go in therapy to deal with the effects!
i want to change the way i look at things and at myself… start seeking the good rather then the bad…

good vs evil

this last couple of days i have been thinking a lot about good and bad... light and darkness... why is it that we as humans, when left to our natural instincts, will rather go for the bad, or dark then for the good and light? in my own life i see it time and time again. if you would meet me you would think i am a good person... but that is only the outside... you don't see the inside... that which only me and God can see...i tell you... it frightens me when i look inside and i come face to face with the real me. i can't believe how much darkness and evil are inside. and all of this happens while i try to be a good person. i would hate to see myself when i am not trying to be good… can you imagine!

i read stories in the news papers about a father throwing his children from the 10th floor balcony and jumping to his own death… i read about a wife murdering her husband… i personally know a husband that had formulated a plan to murder his wife and run away with his girlfriend (and he was a good person!)…i know what’s going on in you head… your thinking “how could they!” but i tell you… all of us are able to do this kind of evil… for some reason that is in us… so why is the whole world not mass murderers you ask… i don’t know… maybe we have not all been pushed hard enough… but is the smaller evils we do really small? we talk about other people behind there backs… how many teenagers commit suicide every year because they can’t cope at school, can’t stand the jokes and gossip… we lie, we steel joy from people through our actions and words. in the bible it says that every careless word that comes out of our mouth will be judged!! WOW that is freaking scary… i just try and think how much rubbish i talk about in one week, and one day all of that will be judged!

trying to be good is good and noble… but in the end all of us are evil at heart, and are in BIG trouble. doesn’t matter how good we try to be, somehow this evil in our hearts are going to show its face. maybe it will be through a swearword when things are tough, gossiping about someone at work… driving away after crashing into a parked car, and nobody saw you…maybe that evil will become a monster and you will actually hurt some one… these evil things are like one drop of toxic waste in a glass of water. you won’t want to drink it right… even if its only one drop!

how do we defeat evil… how can we be good… really pure and clean without evil? i tell you it can’t happen by our own actions… instinct can’t be changed… we need to be made new… a new creation… a whole make over. i have found the surgeon that does this, that changes my heart… i am still frightened of judgment day… looking over my life, seeing all the evil i have done… but on that day i have someone fighting for me, someone who has the power to wipe away all of these bad stuff. who has already cleansed me…

knowing that he will be there, urges me to fight evil with good… when i feel instinct kick in, i remember what he has done… i ask him for strength… i ask him to change me and make me a new person… i ask him to live my life for me… so that his instincts can kick in and not my own…