grace up close and personal

So, i haven't really blogged much. But this last 2 weeks something happened that made me think a lot, and i feel like i want to share it... to get it out there... instead of in my head.

so, my husband and i are involved with a guy who are addicted to heroin. for almost 2 years, my husband mentored him, tested him to see if he is clean, helped him to get a job, took him to a doctor when he was sick, and lend him money when he needed to eat. And it was actually going so well with him. He had a job... a good one too... this year, they paid for his medical aid, and also gave him many other extra benefits... he got an ID book... he got his license.... he was clean for almost a year... and it really seemed that this time, heroin was not going to win... i found myself hoping against all the ods, that this time, he will be able to stand up against addiction, and have a life! ( i had a friend who fell back into heroin addiction a few years ago, so you will understand why it took me so long to hope again!)

But it happened... only 2 weeks after we left SA, he started using again... and everything he has worked so hard to achieve, he through away... broke down all the relationship he had... sold everything he owned... and went back to Hillbrow... He sold the one thing i gave him... I gave it to him, because i believed it will help him to be more independent, and actually move up in life... he sold it for Heroin... with one choice, he shattered my hope and destroyed his life.

i don't really know what is hurting more... the fact that i actually started to believe, this time will be different.... or the fact that he almost died again, and are now pretending that everything is fine...

And then God started to reveal His heart to me... and i realized that loving people unconditionally actually sucks, because it means you have to realize that even though you hope, you love, you care... you have to face the fact, that you will also be disappointed...

When i gave him that thing i spoke off a few paragraphs earlier... God actually challenged me... he said... will you be willing to give it to him... even if you KNEW he will sell it and use it for drugs? I was battling with that thought for many months... i tried to find a way out of not having to give it to him... but in the end God wanted me to sacrificial something that meant a lot to me... to show HIM that i trust that HE CAN MAKE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

And then, when i realized that druggie friend, sold it for drugs... basically took the hope i had in him, and smashed it on the ground.... it was like God telling me... But i gave my LIFE to you... what are you doing with that gift?? Are you really so different from your friend...

so now, he is in rehab... been clean for 10 days... the gift i gave him... that he sold for drugs... well... actually he didn't use all the money for drugs yet, so he was able to pay for a rehab... amazing huh!

I am really disappointed... and i have to make a decision... will i dare to hope, again... hoping that this time he will actually stay clean... will i dare to forgive... and will i continue to hope, even if he falls back again? ... isn't that exactly what Jesus did for me on the cross... he said:" by giving my life, i choose to love, care and hope, that you will love me back, and make a differences. i choose to believe that you will run the race set before you, and you will end up victorious... THAT IS GRACE!!! who am i not to do the same... but its not easy... and i don't think i am there yet...