from the heart

this weekend is officially the worst weekend of my life... i think the last time i cried this much was when i left the ship... but that was just tears of being sad.... its hard when people who become like family to you, breaks your trust... i have never felt this alone and angry in my entire life, and i hope i will never have these feelings again!

i have always wondered what will make a person decide to take his own life, cut himself or OD on drugs.... this last 2 days i have found an answer to my question... i was in a place where i would do anything to get away from the hurt, lonlyness and pain inside of me... i guess you can partly blame these feelings and emotions on re-entry (how i hate this word!!!). but i have realized how much people can hurt people with their words.... especially if the person you are hurting are allready down and depressed. and i have also learned that God does not take away the hurt and the feelings... but that He wants me to be open and honest with Him about my feelings...

perhaps God allowed me to go through this experience so i can understand the kids i work with a little better? the thing i went through was not such a big deal compared to the issues they face on a daily basis...
and perhaps i have to learn that people WILL hurt me... i don't know if this means i have to be more protective over myself, or just realize that every relationship i am in, is a risk... the question is not if i will get hurt (and for that matter, if i will hurt someone else) but rather when will it happen and how will i cope when it does?

i am glad i didn't do something stupid this weekend...