Letting Go

Today a battle in my mind
Most days content with where I am
Some days longing for I once had

Patience the word I need to embrace
“Time will heal” I’ve heard it said
But how can it heal, if I don’t let go
How to let go, if I want to hold on

I want to move on, I really do
But I struggle to release, what use to be
What will remain if I let go of what was
Who will I be, if the old me departs?

re-entry

Let me know if some of you can relate to this poem....

HELP

FRUSTRATION!! I feel I could scream!
I open up my mouth, but no words appear…
CONFUSION is reigning inside of me
How I wish I could express what I’m feeling inside…

ISOLATED… a stranger amongst friends
Don’t know how to act, or how to fit in.
I am HURTING by things left unsaid.
How I wish I could share, what’s going on inside my head.

OVERWHELMED, by emotions in my heart
I try to sleep, but toss and turn instead.
I am drowning, in my silent storm.
I HATE how I feel, I’m losing control!

I know YOU have the answers
The WAY to break free
But this darkness inside, is drowning out Your voice
ANGER is consuming me
DEPRESSION is leading me

HELP me my Lord, I need YOU so much
HELP me forgive… and move on…

i am doing well!!!

WELL... i have also been sucked into the facebook craze, and sadly neglected my BLOG.... should i apologise???

My last blog entry was a bit depressing... but almost 2 months later i can honestly say things are going really good (i am almost afraid to admit it... what if i jinks it!!!???)

i read in a friends blog the other day... what do you write on your blog when you don't have anything to complain or moan about??? i have that problem ... BUT THAT'S A GOOD THING!!! so i won't complain! i have come to the realisation this week, that i really like my job! in my opinion, i don't think i will find a job better suited for me! what a blessing to do something i love AND getting paid for it!!!

isn't it funny... i am almost afraid to publish this post... why is it that we are so afraid to admit we are doing well... or is it just me???? when you read the news paper or watch news on tv, its only BAD things that get the headlines... wouldn't it be nice to watch CNN and just be informed about good news for a change???

ok... enough... i can probably blab more nonsense if i give myself the time... i just wanted to let you all know. I AM DOING WELL!!!!!

from the heart

this weekend is officially the worst weekend of my life... i think the last time i cried this much was when i left the ship... but that was just tears of being sad.... its hard when people who become like family to you, breaks your trust... i have never felt this alone and angry in my entire life, and i hope i will never have these feelings again!

i have always wondered what will make a person decide to take his own life, cut himself or OD on drugs.... this last 2 days i have found an answer to my question... i was in a place where i would do anything to get away from the hurt, lonlyness and pain inside of me... i guess you can partly blame these feelings and emotions on re-entry (how i hate this word!!!). but i have realized how much people can hurt people with their words.... especially if the person you are hurting are allready down and depressed. and i have also learned that God does not take away the hurt and the feelings... but that He wants me to be open and honest with Him about my feelings...

perhaps God allowed me to go through this experience so i can understand the kids i work with a little better? the thing i went through was not such a big deal compared to the issues they face on a daily basis...
and perhaps i have to learn that people WILL hurt me... i don't know if this means i have to be more protective over myself, or just realize that every relationship i am in, is a risk... the question is not if i will get hurt (and for that matter, if i will hurt someone else) but rather when will it happen and how will i cope when it does?

i am glad i didn't do something stupid this weekend...

things that make me angry

over the last month, i have realized there are a few things that really makes my blood boil, and make me want to hit something really hard...
1) people that sell drugs to kids
2) parents the hurt their kids (physically or emotionally)
3) kids that take the second change they are given, and flush it down the toilette
4) kids with a lot of potential, that only do the bare minimum

i am not always sure if i have righteous anger when it comes to these things... but i have come to realize that there are 2 things that can really screw up a persons life 1) messed up parents and 2) drugs.... and number 1 usually leads to number 2!!! it makes me thankful for the family i grew up in. They might not be perfect, but they gave me the best start to life i could have asked for...

i need your help!

hey guys, as mentioned before, i work part time at a high school. Here is why i need your help... if any of you have any cool games i can play with 14-17 year olds (indoor please) send it to me ASAP!!! i am allready running out of ideas.... yikes!!!! i would like to focus on values... so if you have anything, don't wait any longer....
thanks

update

its been a while since i updated my blog. sorry for those who actually log on to see if i have written anything lately.... re-entry has been a bit harder then anticipated, but God has blessed me with some really cool people to talk to, and to help me see things in perspective. i have realized that this is a process and that it will take time for me to adjust.

i have started working with a youth ministry. God gave me a passion for youth, even before i joined the ship, and its really cool to realize that i am doing what i have always dreamed i will be doing! i also have a part time job at a high school, teaching Life Orientation. the kids are little devils, but i am having fun with them... again.... what an awesome opportunity to work with youth AND most of the kids are english, so i get to practise my english as well.... i over heard some of them taking bets on whether or not i am english or afrikaans.... must be my good english teachers on the ship (hie hie hie).

there is not much else to say really... but at least you all know that i am still alive, and that re-entry has not got the better of me yet....

comments welcome

what do you think is going through this kitty's mind???

thought to pause

i am in a season where i have to decide what i want to do with my life... and reading the book mentioned in the previous post, i stumbled upon this quote...

"It is wrong, it is sin, to accept or remain in a position that you know is a mismatch for you. Perhaps that's a form of sin you've never even considered - the sin of staying in the wrong job. But God did not place you on this earth to waste away your years in labor that does not employ His design or purpose for your life- no matter how much you may be getting paid for it!!"

i guess money is not everything...

something to think about

"You can live on bland food so as to avoid an ulcer, drink no tea, coffee or other stimulants in the name of health, go to bed early, stay away from night life, avoid all controversial subjects so as never to give offense, mind your own business, avoid involvement in other peoples problems, spend money only on necessities and save all you can. You can still break your neck in the bath tub, and it will serve you right!"

I took this quote out of the book: "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat"

here is some regarding failure:
"Failure is not an event, but rather a JUDGMENT about an event"
" Failure does not shape you, the way you respond to failure shapes you"

There is so much in that book ... i can go on and on... but ok, i will stop with this last one:

"Never try to have more FAITH - just get to know God better. And because God is FAITHFUL, the better you know HIM, the more you'll trust HIM."

home

after almost 4 and a half years of traveling, i am home... i must say being home is weird... see i am one of those strange people who actually liked being away from home... i felt a sense of freedom not being here... never really missed home (except maybe when i was sick or lonely). but now i have to make peace with the thought that home might be the place where i will die one day... while i was away i learned how to dream, but being back at home is making me realize that most dreams never come true, and that reality is very different and more complex.

i think i am babbling again...maybe because i just woke up... and i hope in a couple of months i can write how exciting it is to be here... i know that God is at work here... and its always exciting to be in the place where God is at work... but right now, i wish i was somewhere else... or maybe i am just missing the friends i had... my time away from home is quickly starting to feel like a distant dream... sometimes it almost feel unreal... and i guess that is the one thing i am struggling with... to realize that, that part of my life is finish... i need to move on...

i am sure many of you can relate to this feelings... i guess no one likes to start all over again.