in search of truth

2011

2011-12-28T03:36:00.002-06:00

Jip... still not blogging as much as i used too... These days i tend to keep most of my thoughts to myself or share it with my husband. But the last few weeks i have had this desire to write things down... anything...

our first Christmas in Oman was not the easiest... in fact... 2011 will go down in history as one of the hardest years of my life... There where so many changes and uncertainties... i just never felt like i could relax. First packing up our lives in SA... getting all the documents and papers ready to move over seas... then moving to a new country where everything is "in-sha-allah" ... to a new community where everything is different... starting over with making friends, getting use to hell like temperature and traffic... missing home, friends and family and finally having Christmas where they don't celebrate Christmas...

jip... not an easy year... but definitely a year that i won't forget... even if i want to... a year where i have been stretched... grown.... tested... and survived... well almost any way... there is after all still a few days left... 2011 will forever be the year of trails and tribulations... i am glad its almost over... now it can only get better... i hope!

what will i do with all i have learned in 2011... cherries friendships and family more... appreciate my culture (with all its faults) more... love and adore my husband more... and try and be a good parent to our little baby that will be joining us in March/April 2012...

2012 will be another year of change... a HUGE change... bigger than moving to a new country... or understanding a new culture... this change will last a lifetime! I am super excited.... but there is a part that it also super scared... will i be able to guide and love my child the way God wants me to.... what is parenting going to be like?? what is life going to be like??? Well.... i guess we will have to wait and see... all i know is that God was with me in 2011... and he WILL be there in 2012... praise God for that... without Him... i am nothing... without Him... i will fall over and over again... without HIM... 2011 would have no meaning, and 2012 would be without Hope...

hmmm.... i wonder if this is what i was suppose to write down.... and i am almost certain this post is more for me then for the few who still reads my blog...

Thank you Jesus for being in and with me all the time... even when i am not almost here with You...

grace up close and personal

2011-07-20T23:51:00.002-06:00

So, i haven't really blogged much. But this last 2 weeks something happened that made me think a lot, and i feel like i want to share it... to get it out there... instead of in my head.

so, my husband and i are involved with a guy who are addicted to heroin. for almost 2 years, my husband mentored him, tested him to see if he is clean, helped him to get a job, took him to a doctor when he was sick, and lend him money when he needed to eat. And it was actually going so well with him. He had a job... a good one too... this year, they paid for his medical aid, and also gave him many other extra benefits... he got an ID book... he got his license.... he was clean for almost a year... and it really seemed that this time, heroin was not going to win... i found myself hoping against all the ods, that this time, he will be able to stand up against addiction, and have a life! ( i had a friend who fell back into heroin addiction a few years ago, so you will understand why it took me so long to hope again!)

But it happened... only 2 weeks after we left SA, he started using again... and everything he has worked so hard to achieve, he through away... broke down all the relationship he had... sold everything he owned... and went back to Hillbrow... He sold the one thing i gave him... I gave it to him, because i believed it will help him to be more independent, and actually move up in life... he sold it for Heroin... with one choice, he shattered my hope and destroyed his life.

i don't really know what is hurting more... the fact that i actually started to believe, this time will be different.... or the fact that he almost died again, and are now pretending that everything is fine...

And then God started to reveal His heart to me... and i realized that loving people unconditionally actually sucks, because it means you have to realize that even though you hope, you love, you care... you have to face the fact, that you will also be disappointed...

When i gave him that thing i spoke off a few paragraphs earlier... God actually challenged me... he said... will you be willing to give it to him... even if you KNEW he will sell it and use it for drugs? I was battling with that thought for many months... i tried to find a way out of not having to give it to him... but in the end God wanted me to sacrificial something that meant a lot to me... to show HIM that i trust that HE CAN MAKE ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD.

And then, when i realized that druggie friend, sold it for drugs... basically took the hope i had in him, and smashed it on the ground.... it was like God telling me... But i gave my LIFE to you... what are you doing with that gift?? Are you really so different from your friend...

so now, he is in rehab... been clean for 10 days... the gift i gave him... that he sold for drugs... well... actually he didn't use all the money for drugs yet, so he was able to pay for a rehab... amazing huh!

I am really disappointed... and i have to make a decision... will i dare to hope, again... hoping that this time he will actually stay clean... will i dare to forgive... and will i continue to hope, even if he falls back again? ... isn't that exactly what Jesus did for me on the cross... he said:" by giving my life, i choose to love, care and hope, that you will love me back, and make a differences. i choose to believe that you will run the race set before you, and you will end up victorious... THAT IS GRACE!!! who am i not to do the same... but its not easy... and i don't think i am there yet...

OMAN

2011-05-18T01:56:00.002-06:00

WE ARE IN OMAN!! Ok, so techincally we have been here for almost 2 weeks... And the strange thing is... is almost feel like i have always been here! I love being here, i love meeting new cultures, i love eating diffrent food every day... i love OMAN:-)
The driving part of Oman, is still freaking me out! Why do they have to drive on the right side of the road? I like the left side more! At least i don't get lost as much as in the beginning... OK... so i haven't really driven on the highways yet... to scary! but i will muster up the courage to do it at one stage... don't know when yet... but i will keep you posted!

WE have found a house to stay in the first week we where here. it is perfect for us. Can't wait to start buying furniture and make it a home! That will happen as soon as we can get a key... ins ha Allah... so knows when that will happen... but the agent promised us it will happen before the end of the month... ins ha Allah... But our house is 4km from the beach... and pretty much near the important roads, and shopping areas. We are so blessed to have found this place, i sometimes still can't believe it :-)

So we are here... after almost 6 months of planning, praying and waiting, we are here... and i have a feeling... that this will be a good thing :-)

check out this space for more Omani Adventures!

South Africa...

2011-03-25T11:08:00.004-06:00

I have always been proud to be a South African... I have never been ashamed to be from the African continent. But this last week, I have found my self wishing that I lived somewhere else!!! And it SUCKS! I Don't want to be like this... But when people don't do there job, loose/misplace application forms, and then just shrug there shoulders, it really makes me angry! Why aren't people proud of there job any more... What makes one person do the best they can, and another not caring.

For the first time in my life, i have taken my frustration out on a help line operator! I knew that it was not that persons fault... I knew there was probably nothing she could do... But i was so upset, i just had to yell at someone! So now i am to ashamed to phone the help line again... and i feel terrible about my actions!

I am leaving this country in a few months time... My challenge for myself will be, to keep on looking at the positive things my country has to offer... try to let go of my frustration... and pray and have faith that God still has control over everything... even though it all seems like one BIG mess at the moment.

98%

2011-03-16T01:30:00.002-06:00

So, we only need 2% more admin to be finalized, and then we will be booking our ticket to OMAN! I can't believe it is almost time! There is still a lot of things that need to happen... find a place to store our furniture while we are gone... organize a moving company to move our stuff to the storing facility.... pack up our house, so the moving company can move it to the storage facility... say goodbye to friends and family... give our pets to their new owners... book our tickets, and then we are off... hopefully all of this will happen around May...

I am not sure how i feel about the whole moving thing yet! it seems unreal at the moment... life still goes on as normal... but in the back of my mind i know it will all change soon! hope i will be ready when it happens...

any way.... so just wanted to update you... hopefully i will have more interesting stories to blog about when we are in Oman...

don't have anything to write about...

2011-02-09T05:36:00.002-06:00

jip... still not very good at this blog thing... guess it will take a while to get back into the habit...

I am BACK!

2011-01-21T01:43:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since my last block... i am surprised that they haven't stopped it yet!

Any way, so a lot of things has happened in my life!

1) I GOT MARRIED!! Wow... God has been so faithful! I am married to my perfect match! Its been over a year all ready! And every day i am thankful for this gift!

2) I moved to Louis Trichardt. A small town about 1 hour away from the Zimbabwe boarder. Getting used to small town life has not been easy, but i have sured learned a lot from this experience.

3) It turned out i can teach 9-12 year olds! This was a big suprize for me :-) After moving to Louis Trichardt i got a teachers job at a private school, and actually loved it! I had the privileged to teach 8 boys... oh the stories! I will always smile when i think of this time!

4) Andre and I am planning on moving to Oman this year.... hopefully sometime in April. THIS IS HUGE! Its been both our dream to move to that part of the world... now we are at the brink of actually going! will keep you posted on this...

well... of course a lot of other stuff happened since my last post... i guess i experience a few years of silence... stopped journaling... stopped blogging... at least i kept on updating my facebook statuses. But now... on the verge of my next adventure, i feel its time to break the silence! To speak out, and confront the thoughts and emotions in my head!

hope you enjoy this new journey with me :-)

Desperation

2008-08-05T02:36:00.004-06:00

Desperation... a word I know to well.
The feeling of loosing hope.
Loosing the will to survive.
It sneaks up on me in the darkest of nights
It takes hold of my soul
Till I'm sucked dry... a skeleton of what I used to be.

PEACE... gone... HOPE... lost
TEARS... flow... FEELINGS... numb

In times of such despair
I cry out into the night,
Hoping someone will hear my plea:
"My God, My God why have you forsaken me?
I have lost my way
I am loosing control."

But when I cry out
To the ONE who hears all, sees all, knows all...
understands all.
A tiny light of hope appears
It warms my dying soul
And then I know:

When desperation makes its move on me
Only a desperate cry to Jesus, can save my soul

"My Lord, My Lord... I am desperate for YOU!"

another attemp to be a poet

2008-07-18T01:26:00.002-06:00

So many emotions
I've got to pick one
What's going on
with my inside tonight?

I feel i should scream
and then turn to tears
Or maybe cursing
will express best how i feel.

There are thoughts of regret
Feelings of hate
But mostly i wish
I could turn back the clock

I am angry and sad
Trust has been stolen
How i wish i could turn back the clock...

being a light sucks!

2008-05-28T02:10:00.005-06:00

This first half of the year has ben a hard one.... emotionally it's been very draining... it's a good thing i didn't have to go through this while working through re-entry... suddenly re-entry seems like a puppy compared to 2008!!!!

OK, Ok... so maybe i am over exaturating... but i just wish all of this crap we call life could end... the world is a sick place, and i am tired of being part of it... why did we humans, had to go and mess with the perfect design... we are super idiots! thinking we could do it better then almighty, all knowing GOD!

its not that i don't think there is good stuff happening... i know there are a lot of good things. i guess i have been bombarded with too much bad stuff this past 6 months ... i know we are called to be a light in the darkness... but i am tired of the dark... it seems like it will never end, no matter how hard you try...

Retards

2008-04-02T01:17:00.000-06:00

need i say more???

Egypt

2008-03-11T03:07:00.001-06:00

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Something to think about

2008-02-25T07:18:00.001-06:00

I am reading an amazing book called:" Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. It is a must read.... here is something to wet your appetite.

Every time a diminishing thought arises, I repeat the vow: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore”. The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked at the word “harbor”, which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind – a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now – let the word go out, across the seven seas – there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.
You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts – all these will be turned away. Likewise, any thoughts that are filled with angry of starving exiles, with malcontents and pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways – you may not come here anymore, either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind – otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the sea from whence you came.
That is my mission, and it will never end.

Letting Go

2007-11-01T03:06:00.000-06:00

Today a battle in my mind
Most days content with where I am
Some days longing for I once had

Patience the word I need to embrace
“Time will heal” I’ve heard it said
But how can it heal, if I don’t let go
How to let go, if I want to hold on

I want to move on, I really do
But I struggle to release, what use to be
What will remain if I let go of what was
Who will I be, if the old me departs?

re-entry

2007-10-19T08:13:00.000-06:00

Let me know if some of you can relate to this poem....

HELP

FRUSTRATION!! I feel I could scream!
I open up my mouth, but no words appear…
CONFUSION is reigning inside of me
How I wish I could express what I’m feeling inside…

ISOLATED… a stranger amongst friends
Don’t know how to act, or how to fit in.
I am HURTING by things left unsaid.
How I wish I could share, what’s going on inside my head.

OVERWHELMED, by emotions in my heart
I try to sleep, but toss and turn instead.
I am drowning, in my silent storm.
I HATE how I feel, I’m losing control!

I know YOU have the answers
The WAY to break free
But this darkness inside, is drowning out Your voice
ANGER is consuming me
DEPRESSION is leading me

HELP me my Lord, I need YOU so much
HELP me forgive… and move on…

i am doing well!!!

2007-06-10T02:37:00.000-06:00

WELL... i have also been sucked into the facebook craze, and sadly neglected my BLOG.... should i apologise???

My last blog entry was a bit depressing... but almost 2 months later i can honestly say things are going really good (i am almost afraid to admit it... what if i jinks it!!!???)

i read in a friends blog the other day... what do you write on your blog when you don't have anything to complain or moan about??? i have that problem ... BUT THAT'S A GOOD THING!!! so i won't complain! i have come to the realisation this week, that i really like my job! in my opinion, i don't think i will find a job better suited for me! what a blessing to do something i love AND getting paid for it!!!

isn't it funny... i am almost afraid to publish this post... why is it that we are so afraid to admit we are doing well... or is it just me???? when you read the news paper or watch news on tv, its only BAD things that get the headlines... wouldn't it be nice to watch CNN and just be informed about good news for a change???

ok... enough... i can probably blab more nonsense if i give myself the time... i just wanted to let you all know. I AM DOING WELL!!!!!

from the heart

2007-04-15T05:31:00.000-06:00

this weekend is officially the worst weekend of my life... i think the last time i cried this much was when i left the ship... but that was just tears of being sad.... its hard when people who become like family to you, breaks your trust... i have never felt this alone and angry in my entire life, and i hope i will never have these feelings again!

i have always wondered what will make a person decide to take his own life, cut himself or OD on drugs.... this last 2 days i have found an answer to my question... i was in a place where i would do anything to get away from the hurt, lonlyness and pain inside of me... i guess you can partly blame these feelings and emotions on re-entry (how i hate this word!!!). but i have realized how much people can hurt people with their words.... especially if the person you are hurting are allready down and depressed. and i have also learned that God does not take away the hurt and the feelings... but that He wants me to be open and honest with Him about my feelings...

perhaps God allowed me to go through this experience so i can understand the kids i work with a little better? the thing i went through was not such a big deal compared to the issues they face on a daily basis...
and perhaps i have to learn that people WILL hurt me... i don't know if this means i have to be more protective over myself, or just realize that every relationship i am in, is a risk... the question is not if i will get hurt (and for that matter, if i will hurt someone else) but rather when will it happen and how will i cope when it does?

i am glad i didn't do something stupid this weekend...

things that make me angry

2007-03-13T01:26:00.000-06:00

over the last month, i have realized there are a few things that really makes my blood boil, and make me want to hit something really hard...
1) people that sell drugs to kids
2) parents the hurt their kids (physically or emotionally)
3) kids that take the second change they are given, and flush it down the toilette
4) kids with a lot of potential, that only do the bare minimum

i am not always sure if i have righteous anger when it comes to these things... but i have come to realize that there are 2 things that can really screw up a persons life 1) messed up parents and 2) drugs.... and number 1 usually leads to number 2!!! it makes me thankful for the family i grew up in. They might not be perfect, but they gave me the best start to life i could have asked for...

i need your help!

2007-03-05T10:03:00.000-06:00

hey guys, as mentioned before, i work part time at a high school. Here is why i need your help... if any of you have any cool games i can play with 14-17 year olds (indoor please) send it to me ASAP!!! i am allready running out of ideas.... yikes!!!! i would like to focus on values... so if you have anything, don't wait any longer....
thanks

update

2007-03-01T07:18:00.000-06:00

its been a while since i updated my blog. sorry for those who actually log on to see if i have written anything lately.... re-entry has been a bit harder then anticipated, but God has blessed me with some really cool people to talk to, and to help me see things in perspective. i have realized that this is a process and that it will take time for me to adjust.

i have started working with a youth ministry. God gave me a passion for youth, even before i joined the ship, and its really cool to realize that i am doing what i have always dreamed i will be doing! i also have a part time job at a high school, teaching Life Orientation. the kids are little devils, but i am having fun with them... again.... what an awesome opportunity to work with youth AND most of the kids are english, so i get to practise my english as well.... i over heard some of them taking bets on whether or not i am english or afrikaans.... must be my good english teachers on the ship (hie hie hie).

there is not much else to say really... but at least you all know that i am still alive, and that re-entry has not got the better of me yet....

comments welcome

2007-02-17T04:29:00.000-06:00

what do you think is going through this kitty's mind???

thought to pause

2007-02-13T00:07:00.000-06:00

i am in a season where i have to decide what i want to do with my life... and reading the book mentioned in the previous post, i stumbled upon this quote...

"It is wrong, it is sin, to accept or remain in a position that you know is a mismatch for you. Perhaps that's a form of sin you've never even considered - the sin of staying in the wrong job. But God did not place you on this earth to waste away your years in labor that does not employ His design or purpose for your life- no matter how much you may be getting paid for it!!"

i guess money is not everything...

something to think about

2007-02-10T09:04:00.000-06:00

"You can live on bland food so as to avoid an ulcer, drink no tea, coffee or other stimulants in the name of health, go to bed early, stay away from night life, avoid all controversial subjects so as never to give offense, mind your own business, avoid involvement in other peoples problems, spend money only on necessities and save all you can. You can still break your neck in the bath tub, and it will serve you right!"

I took this quote out of the book: "If you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat"

here is some regarding failure:
"Failure is not an event, but rather a JUDGMENT about an event"
" Failure does not shape you, the way you respond to failure shapes you"

There is so much in that book ... i can go on and on... but ok, i will stop with this last one:

"Never try to have more FAITH - just get to know God better. And because God is FAITHFUL, the better you know HIM, the more you'll trust HIM."

home

2007-01-18T23:22:00.000-06:00

after almost 4 and a half years of traveling, i am home... i must say being home is weird... see i am one of those strange people who actually liked being away from home... i felt a sense of freedom not being here... never really missed home (except maybe when i was sick or lonely). but now i have to make peace with the thought that home might be the place where i will die one day... while i was away i learned how to dream, but being back at home is making me realize that most dreams never come true, and that reality is very different and more complex.

i think i am babbling again...maybe because i just woke up... and i hope in a couple of months i can write how exciting it is to be here... i know that God is at work here... and its always exciting to be in the place where God is at work... but right now, i wish i was somewhere else... or maybe i am just missing the friends i had... my time away from home is quickly starting to feel like a distant dream... sometimes it almost feel unreal... and i guess that is the one thing i am struggling with... to realize that, that part of my life is finish... i need to move on...

i am sure many of you can relate to this feelings... i guess no one likes to start all over again.

truth

2006-12-14T01:51:00.000-06:00

time again for an update... sorry that i have been so silent lately... you know the feeling... you learn so much, but putting it into words and sharing with others is just impossible.

lately i have been asked why i am not openly saying that i am a Christian on my blog(oops...i guess i just did :) ) i guess the reason for this was i wanted to see if i can share more freely if people did not put me in the religious box... but actually i was wrong. its more difficult explaining things if i can't be really honest about my faith! the truth of it all is that everything i do and believe in is in Jesus. the fact that He died for my sins, and that through Him i have a hope and a future.

while typing this i am wondering if people will read this and think i am one of those super spiritual loonies... who has nothing better to do then believe in some higher power, cause they can't face life without it... but that’s just it! i have been trying to convince myself that there is no absolute truth... that everything is relative... and i should just fight for my own. but the more i tried to convince myself of this... the more hopeless i became. without Jesus, there is no reason for living... and the fact of the matter is that God is real... He has a plan for my life, and the only absolute truth in our existence is GOD... everything else is relative...

you might wonder what is "my search of truth" then... good question... i guess i am searching for the truth about myself... finding out who i am in Christ... and what it actually means when you say you believe in God... its not just about being good and going to church on sundays... its much more personal than that...

welcome to my journey!

time for a snap shot

2006-10-31T03:57:00.000-06:00

this is one of my favorite images... i don't know why, but it always makes me smile :)

AGHHH!!!

2006-10-15T06:16:00.000-06:00

i just want to say something... i am tired of living a stressful life!!! I don't get paid enough to get so many grey hairs... i would love to just pack my bags and go home!!! AGHHH!!!!

well... that didn't make me feel better...how strange... i was hoping by admitting what is going on in my heart... i will have a sense of relieve... please someone... buy me a plain ticket out of this place!!! i think i am finally loosing it...

my thoughts at midnight

2006-07-30T09:53:00.000-06:00

i am in the mood to write tonight... but not really sure what topic is should ponder on... how about friendship... or should i say...relationship... isn't it weird that PEOPLE are the ones that can hurt us most.. bodily injuries can be healed and treated... but when someone close to you hurts you... you sometime never get over it... yet, despite this, we still willingly share our lives with people, because we can not go through life alone! its way to lonely... i have tried to keep my thoughts and life to myself... but that lonely road was far worse then being hurt, because there was nothing... another reason i tried to live alone was because i just can't handle saying goodbye any more... yet... if it doesn't hurt... i don't live... it still freaks me out to allow people to close... but it is amazing to be able to share joy... and tears with another person... your dog just does not have the same effect!

so here is me saying... invest in people... you might get burned... but its worth it!

stay in my room

2006-07-15T23:36:00.000-06:00

Have you ever woke up in the morning and knew you should not set foot out of your room, because any one you come in touch with are going to be burned by your irritation? well that's how i felt this morning.. i knew the moment i opened my eyes that it would be better for the the rest of society if i don't show my face. but did i listen to my inner voice of wisdom... NO! i got out of bed, and and everybody i met wished i stayed in bed!

i hate it when i feel like this.

fear

2006-06-28T01:23:00.000-06:00

lets talk about fear. i am very familiar with fear... its almost like its my daily companion. i can't get away from it... there is fear of the unknown... fear of future... fear of driving in traffic... but the one i know best is fear of failure. and the really bad thing is that fear of failure is in everything. you can't run away from it. so i am trying to understand where this fear comes from... because i don't believe this is who i am suppose to be. a scared individual, afraid of trying new things, because failure is possible!.

it will be easy to blame childhood experiences, teachers at school, the world and society... but in the end i need to take responsibility for my own fear and fight it. because although the world, childhood, school gives you messages, it is up me to decide what i am going to believe, and what i am going to throw in the rubbish bin.

but that is easier set than done... you can read a lot of books... do a lot of studies... talk to as many people as you want to... but this is deeper... this is a mind set that needs to change... i believe i will be a very different person if i can break this... but its not going to be easy...

why am i sharing this here for the world to read... i don't know... i guess because i believe i am not the only person struggling here... what are you afraid of... how do you learn to believe what you KNOW is true, and not what you PERCEIVE is true?

positive thinking

2006-06-08T04:41:00.000-06:00

well here is a thought to ponder. why is it always easier to look at the negative rather then at the positive? i would love to learn to look at the glass half full rather then half empty… we would learn so much about a culture or a person if we could learn to look at the positive rather then the negative. how much would i be able to learn about myself if i learn to be more positive rather then always so negative and degrading? isn’t it funny how we can always talk bad about our self… and even when someone mentions something positive, you shrug it off with a side comment? “that’s a pretty dress”…”oh this old thing… i’ve had it for years!” “you did a really good job at communicating the needs of your project the other day”… “WHAT! i am terrible at communicating!” we just never seem to be able to except positive feedback. but when someone says something negative about you, it doesn’t take a second to take it seriously. that is probably why a lot of people have to go in therapy to deal with the effects!
i want to change the way i look at things and at myself… start seeking the good rather then the bad…

good vs evil

2006-06-02T02:17:00.000-06:00

this last couple of days i have been thinking a lot about good and bad... light and darkness... why is it that we as humans, when left to our natural instincts, will rather go for the bad, or dark then for the good and light? in my own life i see it time and time again. if you would meet me you would think i am a good person... but that is only the outside... you don't see the inside... that which only me and God can see...i tell you... it frightens me when i look inside and i come face to face with the real me. i can't believe how much darkness and evil are inside. and all of this happens while i try to be a good person. i would hate to see myself when i am not trying to be good… can you imagine!

i read stories in the news papers about a father throwing his children from the 10th floor balcony and jumping to his own death… i read about a wife murdering her husband… i personally know a husband that had formulated a plan to murder his wife and run away with his girlfriend (and he was a good person!)…i know what’s going on in you head… your thinking “how could they!” but i tell you… all of us are able to do this kind of evil… for some reason that is in us… so why is the whole world not mass murderers you ask… i don’t know… maybe we have not all been pushed hard enough… but is the smaller evils we do really small? we talk about other people behind there backs… how many teenagers commit suicide every year because they can’t cope at school, can’t stand the jokes and gossip… we lie, we steel joy from people through our actions and words. in the bible it says that every careless word that comes out of our mouth will be judged!! WOW that is freaking scary… i just try and think how much rubbish i talk about in one week, and one day all of that will be judged!

trying to be good is good and noble… but in the end all of us are evil at heart, and are in BIG trouble. doesn’t matter how good we try to be, somehow this evil in our hearts are going to show its face. maybe it will be through a swearword when things are tough, gossiping about someone at work… driving away after crashing into a parked car, and nobody saw you…maybe that evil will become a monster and you will actually hurt some one… these evil things are like one drop of toxic waste in a glass of water. you won’t want to drink it right… even if its only one drop!

how do we defeat evil… how can we be good… really pure and clean without evil? i tell you it can’t happen by our own actions… instinct can’t be changed… we need to be made new… a new creation… a whole make over. i have found the surgeon that does this, that changes my heart… i am still frightened of judgment day… looking over my life, seeing all the evil i have done… but on that day i have someone fighting for me, someone who has the power to wipe away all of these bad stuff. who has already cleansed me…

knowing that he will be there, urges me to fight evil with good… when i feel instinct kick in, i remember what he has done… i ask him for strength… i ask him to change me and make me a new person… i ask him to live my life for me… so that his instincts can kick in and not my own…

rubbish

2006-05-27T07:27:00.000-06:00

"Da Vinci Code" the controversial movie that just hit the big screen… what a load of rubbish… i felt it was mediocre when i read the book, and after seeing the movie, i actually thought the book was better. i am convinced that if it wasn’t for the subject, the book would not have sold, and the movie would never have been made. the book is the type of book you read as a no brainer, you take it with you to the beach to do something while soaking up the sun… the movie… as always the movie is never as good as the book. i found it quite confusing, and i didn’t read the book, i probably won’t have had an idea what was going on. i think tom hanks was a smart man… he saw an opportunity to make a lot of money with a so-so movie.
why people are freaking out about this i don’t understand, there is not an ounce of truth in it… watch it as fiction… but i would actually recommend you to borrow someone else’s dvd if you really want to watch it… really not worth spending the money for the big screen teather!

food

2006-05-26T03:29:00.000-06:00

i am in malaysia. what a beautiful country. it has perfect weather all year round (some might say its to hot and humid, but after living in india for 5 weeks i feel its perfect:). the people are warm and friendly, and everything revolves around food.

what is it about food... you here a lot of times that when people leave there home country there biggest struggle is that they don't have moms home cook meal... or they can't stand the country because the food is just to weird... i live in a community where any social event, meeting or chat has to have food. in malaysia the best way to get people to come to a meeting is to supply food... interesting how life revolves around our stomachs! and then you go to countries like sudan, india and djibouti where a lot of people only have (hopefully) one meal a day, some don't even have a meal, and are starving to death.

people say money rules the world... i beg to differ... i think food is ruling our lives!

india

2006-04-21T03:28:00.000-06:00

man... i didn't know it is possible to get this hot... india is really hot... did i tell you that this country it hot???? but if you can try and forget about the heat and humidity... this is one of the most exciting countries i have visited! there is so much happening at the same time... my senses are struggling to keep up! just driving for 30 minutes will give my brain enough to think about for a day. there is alos alot of people every where... i don't think you will find a place where there is no people... but there is also the sad part of this country... poverty is every where... people living on the street... i thought i have seen poverty...but nothing prepared me for this!

well... i would love to leave you with some profound thought... but i don't have any today because i am to stinkin' hot... so i will just say... hakuna matata :)

my journey

2006-04-10T03:01:00.000-06:00

i have a question (no surprise right!?) is there anybody out there that feels he or she are understood by the rest of the world... or is it just me struggling to communicate my thoughts... maybe i am just one of those easy targets for teasing... or maybe i am really a weird person...an artist perhaps... maybe i am a genius:)… maybe I am just to sensitive for my own good… i have been asked what is the real reason for writing down my thoughts, for the whole world to read, if i don’t really communicate the drive force behind it all… why don’t i just come out and be straight forward about my faith… the “truth”… the fact is i am searching for ways to communicate my heart without sounding cheesy… scary… spiritual…

there are many different ways to tell the world what i believe… i can crash a boeing 747 in the twin towers… i can have my own tv show…i can bring it up in every single conversation i have… i can write about it all the time… but does that really help people to understand me…to understand where i am coming from? or does that scare people off… the question i have is… how can i share my heart with people, without being put in the religious box?

you can tell me i am afraid and need to be more bold…. you can tell me i should stop worrying about what people think or say about me… and that is all true… but is that the only way? hey…i might be wrong… and maybe that is something i need to learn… but i do realize that people don’t always understand where i am coming from, and that causes more harm than good… so until i learn how to communicate with the outside world … i will live out my beliefs rather then talk about it and wait for people to ask me questions.

i don’t believe there is only one way in expressing yourself (that will be too boring…no creativity). i started this journey almost 4 years ago… and i am still searching for the right way… the way that works for me… not necessarily for others!

no words...

2006-03-25T10:56:00.000-06:00

it's been a while ... since my last post a lot has happened but it's not things you can put down in words. does that ever happen to you? you know you have learned a great deal... so much has happened in your life, but you just can't find the words to explain.

i have left bahrain... the country where this blog began... kind of weird really... i am sitting here and i wonder if i will even continue with this. it started out of desperation...being in a situation where i could not speak my mind... i needed a place to be me... and i found it in this blog... now i have left that situation... i can be me again... will i still run to this space to speak my mind?

i hope this blog makes people think... sometimes i wonder if i am writing only to myself... actually a lot of time i think i write to look at situations from another point of view... you know how some things can grow into big monsters if you keep it in the dark... i am trying to bring things in the light...

well... here is hoping i will continue to write.... it might be a while though... having access to internet on a ship is not always easy...

love is a choice

2006-03-09T10:53:00.000-06:00

what do you do when you are humiliated in front of a crowd of people? what do you do when you know you are in the right, but are forced to apologize... do i retaliate... to i stand up for myself.... shame the person... or do i just let it go like water of a ducks back? last night i had a choice... to be angry and get my own back... or let it go and believe that in the end it won't make me less of a person?
man... it was a tough decision... i realized last night it is easy to be nice when things are easy... but when the going gets tough... its a whole lot harder to walk the talk.
i hope that last nights situation will make me a better person in the long run... i hope that something like that will never happen again... but when it does... i hope i will be able to be the better person and let it go...

when do you give up?

2006-03-03T10:56:00.000-06:00

this last 3 days i have been challenged with the question... when should i give up... when should you stop pushing... stop trying and just leave... when is it a sign to stop... or a sign to keep on going? i still don't have an answer. i guess this is a journey i will have to walk and see where it leads me...

do you understand

2006-02-26T08:01:00.000-06:00

you know what makes life interesting.... to try and communicate what is going on in your head. i don't know if it is just me... i think in pictures... so i see what i think, but when it comes to explaining that picture i struggle. and i need to remind myself that not everybody can read my mind... so they don't necessarily understand why i am doing and saying the things i do :)makes for interesting conversations!

then you get to telephone conversations!!! and not just any telephone conversations... i am talking conversations with people who has very little or no understanding of english! now you have to understand. i am not discriminating against second language english speakers (i am one) but trying to speak over the phone when you don't have the novelty of hand signals make for interesting dialogue!

can any one explain to me why some people still prefer fax machines to e-mail.... and why do people who has e-mail never check it?

well... i think that is enough complaining for one day...

why?

2006-02-24T23:04:00.000-06:00

i am suppose to write to my friends and family back home... why is it that when things are going not so well you hide and dont reach out to people? things are not going bad with me... it is just not going well... i have been working non stop for the last 5 weeks... organizing an event which i hope will impact peoples lives forever... yet in the process i have forgotten why i am doing it... isn't it weird how you can get so bussy with doing STUFF that you forget why you are doing it in the first place... and i think that is when you get tired... burn out... freak out... or loose interest. i am at a stage in life where i really have to re-evaluate why i am doing what i am doing:
-is it because i am a good person and want to do good things (this last month i was wishing to just through in the towel and go home... so i think not)
-is it because i have guilt inside and am trying to redeem myself (possibly...who of us has never done something sinfull before?)
-or is it because i have nothing better to do (oh i hope not! :))

no... i guess i am doing it because i know this is where i am suppose to be at the moment... i am doing it because its not just for my benefit... it is for the benefit of others... but it doesn't make it easy... sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do... it takes faith to believe that what you are doing is rihgt.

how many?

2006-02-24T07:28:00.000-06:00

I mentioned that i travel the seven sees... this is to show how many countries i have visited. It was a suprize to see how much i still need to see... the world is BIG

in the beginning

2006-02-24T00:50:00.000-06:00

well... for the past month i have been introduced to the blog world... i have enjoyed reading others view of life, and i felt like it is my turn to speak up... what am i hoping from this... don't really know...
i am in bahrain at the moment. woken up every morning by the call to prayer... surrounded by people trying to earn forgivness by doing... i am a spectator... looking in from the outside... i see alot of rituals... i see alot of laws... and i see now assurance...
i have my own truth... for me and people like me its the only truth... the question... how can it become truth to others? this one topic has caused more arguments, battles and broken relationships than any thing else...
i am probably confusing you... thats ok... i understand... but i needed to share it with others... i am on a journey... you can join me, or just observe... after all... this is my journey...